The Benefit of the Doubt

[Bagheera]

First, let me lead off by saying I may owe Kas a public apology. Kas, I should have talked with you privately first before blurting out my concerns on the forums and adding fuel to this very public bonfire we've got going here. So, Kas, I'm sorry. I'd like to know more of what you are doing so I can understand it better and be less afraid. I'm a very private person IRL - not that I have secrets, I just don't like to be stared at

That said, I'd like to just talk in general about something I have learned over the past-decade-plus of my interactions on the Internet and just in life, in general: Misunderstandings happen easily; offense is taken where none is intended; and (most often forgotten) the person you are jibing with might be working under a real-life handicap you know nothing about.

• Over on craigslist, it seems, 4 out of 5 people I've talked to are on some psychiatric medication or another (and don't always remember to take them);

• on another writer's site, at least 20 participants have expressed (and some acted on) their suicidal thoughts as part of the online discussion - (and shockingly, you may have seen this behavior yourself somewhere - when someone talks about killing themselves in an online forum there does seem to be at least one joker who takes it upon themself to egg them on. At least in one instance that I witnessed, the joker won and the person died.);

• and here, in Second Life, before I ever came to CDS, I came to befriend a lot of senior-aged people here (one can see the attraction why they come here with the beautiful youth and agility of the avatars ). I have one friend, not in CDS, a double Ph.D. who is mostly bright and quick as they come but he has lapses where he forgets something we agreed to or he doesn't understand a 2nd Life concept that he understood perfectly the day before.

I also know some people who like to revel in their meanness but I like to believe - I hope - they are few and far between. The attraction for me, to CDS, is the opportunity to build community. I'll be honest, though, right now I feel more comfortable on my mainland property despite my one neighbor's garish skyscraper storefront and my other neighbor's gothic land of terror. I am pretty close to just picking up my marbles and leaving - but I want to give the benefit of the doubt first and another chance to build real friendships, and I hope you'll join me in trying to do the same.

[Jamie Palisades]

That's a great reminder, Bagheera, thanks.

A challenge for ANY government or volunteer organization is HOW to handle the most fractious and abrasive members, whose personal attacks -- and the brush fires they set off -- often soak up much too much time. That behavior, for whatever reason it is exhibited, often attracts retaliation, thwarts any constructive activity, and debilatates a community.

If we had extremely needy or fragile people in SL, and CDS, it seems to me that we should deal with them with receptivity and kindness. But I am *not* sure that extends to giving them positions of group responsibility.

How do you think we could most compassionately and appropriately deal with it, when this occurs?
My fear is that people tend to pick "friend groups", polarize, and then demonize others thoughtlessly.
What options do we have?

Regards JP

[Kaseido_Quandry]

Bagheera -

Thank you. Your graciousness has set a standard I'll work to live up to.

Like you, I've found that the actions of a few have poisoned my attitude towards this community. Unlike you, I've chosen to fight back, and by doing so have added to the problem.

"Gresham's Law" says that bad money drives out good. In online communities, bad discourse drives out good, leading to a downward spiral. The most sensitive people leave, good people get tough, tough people turn nasty, and the cycle turns again, until everybody's behaving despicably. We're pretty far down that spiral.

I think that most of us who've been adding fuel to the fires here are basically good, sane, functional people. I've had very pleasant conversations with many of my fellow "problem children." I think most of us can work together constructively, learn from each other, and even more or less enjoy each other's company socially. Pip and Pat and Sol and Caro and I are fighters, but I think we're capable of worthwhile participation when we don't start that cycle of warfare.

I see two choices for the community. One is anarchy, which is what we've got, effectively. Let anybody say what they want, and if you can't take it, leave. If that's the route the CDS wants to go, there'll be a lot of us on the next bus out. I suspect we won't be missed.

Another is for us collectively to take a stand against personal attacks, and *enforce it.* What we've got now is vigilantism: a few people taking a hard stand against bullying, and fighting back - which just leads back to Option One. Option Two requires a *consensus* that vilification and intentional destruction of community trust is wrong, and *enforcement* against offenders.

I don' think there's an Option Three, but I'd love to hear others' experience with these situations.

*Is* there a will to settle on a norm of civilized discourse, or are we wedded to mutual assured verbal destruction?

[Bagheera]

Kas and Jamie, thank you for what you've said so far. I don't have any answers myself - yet! I am hopeful, though, and completely appreciate that you've joined me in this discussion.

[Jamie Palisades]

How could I not respond positively to someone who's unconditionally positive, and obviously interested in building and understanding, rather than tearing down, a community? Glad you joined us.
I wish everyone used your tone.
Personally, I think that our challenges of moderating a virtual political community -- across many language, cultural, political and geographic barriers -- are interesting and worthwhile. Put a few years in on it, in here, anyway. Regards JP

[muhammedyussif]

I find this thread very constructive and important - but I can't find words to express my feelings and I have no solution. I just hope that the aggressions in the forum and the post meetings will disappear when the fire get out of fuel.

[Soro Dagostino]

We all need a long lazy sail in warm breezes, with lots of warm sun . . . total mellow.

[Arias Ahren]

Jamie: Tell me if I am wrong? Eleven sims, seven years, and about twenty five active participants. Is that about right?

[Ranma Tardis]

I agree with the posters here. I know my past is not all that sweet but am trying to be a better person. It is interesting to watch the "experiment" in progress.